ugh, can we discuss the week from hell I have had?

seriously?

I don't know what it is exactly, I can't seem to put my finger on it. Monday was emotionally exhausting for me and I did shitty at work, it didn't help to know that last week was screwed by our blizzard, and so along comes Monday raring it's ugly head and reminding me that working on commission is sometimes scary. I made one whopping sale all day. So Monday at work gets over and I accompany a friend to a place I haven't set foot into in nearly 5 years and it really messed me up a lot more than I figured. The memories, were vivid to say the least.

I come home to find out that my hopes of Jeff coming "home" soon (okay the halfway house isnt HOME but hell at least there I would get to SEE him, TOUCH him, KISS him) were just dashed yet again...no application to HWH for ANOTHER 6 EFFING months. Great, 8 months without any physical contact and now we have to go for ATLEAST another 6???? Fuck My Life.

Needless to say that was kind of the straw that fucked my week. I spent most of Tuesday fighting off tears between being frustrated with work, panicking over the recently acuired $900 per month in BILLS I have to pay, and getting tired of being lonely.

Wednesday was starting to look up I put 4 sales up, not bad considering the piss poor start I had for the week, but I was still stressing because it took me THREE DAYS to do what I am capable of doing in ONE...

So today I wake up, do my hair get pretty and excited for a fresh day and I have a brand new attitude and I walk into work to find out that I lost ALL OF MONDAY AND TUESDAYS SALES in verification....FML...so again, I am panicking and in general piss poor mood, Joe (boss man) looked at me with an "are you okay?" look when I put up the first of my two orders and my eyes welled up with tears and I told him not to look at me because now Im gonna cry. At least he understands the stress I am under lately and gets that Im just a little off this week and hasnt been up my ass about sales...

But UGH seriously...someone come smack the piss out of me and get me back on track...this week BLOWS

Effing Comcast Anyway...

are you there Mark?

just checking. :D

That Was A Very Loud Beep I Don't Even Know If This Is Working Mark - Mark - Are You There Are You Screening Your Calls - It's Mom We Wanted To Call And Say We Love You And We'll Mis You Tomorrow Cindy And The Kids Are Here - Send Their Love Oh, I Hope You Like The Hot Plate Just Don't Leave It On Dear When You Leave The House Oh And Mark We're Sorry To Hear That Maureen Dumped You I Say C'est La Vie So Let Her Be A Lesbian There Are Other Fishies In The Sea . . . Love Mom

Merry Christmas to ALL and to all a GOOD NIGHT!

Christmas was beautiful yet bittersweet. I had a wonderful time with my family, I just wish ALL of my family could be together. Last night I went to bed and thought about how things would be if he was home. Today, I got to speak to him for a while and it was amazing though not the same as having him here with me. I wish he could ahve shared in so many things today. I wish he was here by my side as I drift off to sleep tonight. I wish he had been here LAST NIGHT after the Lil one had drifted off to dreamland...to sit backand admire the lights ont he tree and our completed job. To be here when she opened her gifts, excitement flooding her face, and the way she was so into her new baby.

I'm listening to 'our' song as I type and feeling as if tears are there threatening but refusing to come, I miss him SO badly lately. What I would give for just one more kiss, to have him hold me in his arms just for another moment. To SMELL him, to be able to breathe him in, his intoxicating scent filling my lungs, keeping him with me just a little bit longer. Maybe we will get a miracle and I will be approved to visit this weekend. I can only pray rightr? Not much longer.

So tonight, I will again go to bed alone in the physical sense, but in my heart and my mind, I never am.

Lonely

Ugh I miss him today. I don't know if it was the Christmas party at work or the fact that I still have Christmas shopping to do, but the loneliness is setting in today. I got to talk to him for a few minutes which was FABULOUS, but it only seems to remind me how much it stinks that he is gone. I wish I could just hold him for a minute. THAT is my Christmas wish, for them to allow me to see him this weekend. THAT would make my entire YEAR right now.

CONTACT!

OMG I have missed the sound of his voice! I finally got to speak to him yesterday, it was amazing! I can't seem to get over how much in love I am with this man, it continuously blows my mind and takes me to new unfathomable depths. Someone once asked, "are you sure you can wait that long?" the better question would be, "how could I NOT?" We are talking about the love of my life here. I seriously can NOT picture myself with anyone else...I just can't.

I sent off his Christmas pictures today, I hope he likes them, I am excited to hear back from him again, to know what he thought.

So, I am sitting here, pumpkin and chocolate chip muffins baking away, looking around at the mess that used to be my apartment and trying to figure out where to start. I think I am just going to have to start organizing and throwing shit away, this is getting ridiculous.

Random things about my day...

First: We passed a really bad wreck on the way to work, didnt look good for the person being carried away by the EMTs. Prayers are with all involved and hoping everyone is okay. Kids were involved you could hear them crying when we drove by. Damn black ice.

Second: My phone number is approved! Jeff tried to call twice but I didn't get paid...sooooooooooo hopefully the money will show on my account fast enough tomorrow for me to be able to add it to a prepay so we talk again...this has been the longest 3 days ever lol....check me out all sounding like a chick...oh wait...I AM a chick...oops my bad.

Third: as mentioned above, I didn't get paid, good news is they will be here tomorrow, and Christmas bonuses in the form of Target cards showed up, and it was a good thing as mine was spend on drugs and diapers for my was JUST coughing now coughing AND excessively crapping two year old.

Fourth: I found some great Christmas cards...here is an excerpt from one:

"He sees when you are sleeping, he knows when youre awake, he knows if youve been bad or good....."

OPEN ME

so try not to be an asshole.

Merry Christmas

Sick kids everywhere I go...

Today was Gage's surgery, he had his tonsils and adenoids removed. That means no immune system and pretty much under quarantine for 10 days. Since Lillian has had something akin to the plague, and I am her primary caregiver, I have been banned from Bubba contact as to keep him safe. I felt like the worst mom in the world knowing I was sitting at work while his stepmom took him into the operating room. I don't know what was worse...that she got to be there and I couldn't be, or that he was okay with her and not me.

Regardless, he came out of everything fine, my mom and his smom were both there when he woke up and he was really upset and crying. I wish I could have been there to hold him and tell him it is going to be okay. A positive thing from his POV is that now he gets to have nothing but popcycles and icecream for a while.

In other news, Lillian does not actually have THE plague...she just sounds like she does. Dr. Notherrealdocsoimmalookforhalfasecondandbillyouforit looked at her for half a second and declared her lungs clear throat to be drainey and left ear to be infected. And promptly sent us packing all within about half a second, amoxishitllin prescription in tow. Not 3 hours after her first dose and she is poopin like a champ! Gotta love antibiotic induced GI issues. YAY for regression in potty training (heavy on the sarcasm)